DH totally made fun of me when I told him this evening that I was getting messages from the Universe about some of the junk I chose to eat this week. And as I sit here typing my entry he says, "What? I didn't make fun of you! I only mocked you." So, you can see how supported I am in my quest.
Anyhow... I was telling him tonight that I had done some major cheating this week and the Universe was sending me so many signs that I shouldn't be doing it. Yesterday afternoon I went to McDonald's and ordered 3 chocolate chip cookies and 3 oatmeal cookies. When I drove up to the window, I paid and received the goods. I started driving off and realized they didn't give me 1/2 of my order. So, that was my first sign. I dug in and was totally satisfied after that 1st cookie and didn't really want the rest but for some reason I devoured the rest and felt soooo guilty.
But, the guilt didn't stop me from stopping at McDonald's again on the way home from the Braves game that night. I ordered 3 more chocolate chip cookies. But, they only had oatmeal left. Sign #2. And instead of just paying attention to that sign, I gladly took the oatmeal cookies and devoured them all.
So, then today I went to Chick-fil-A (told you I had a bad week of cheating). I ordered a chicken wrap meal but upgraded my drink to a cookies and cream shake. This is my classic sabotage style. I need to get control of myself. Well, Audrey asked me right away for my drink. I already felt guilty for even taking the shake from the server at the window and finally decided to listen to the 3rd sign. So, I drank about 1/4 of it and gave the rest to Audrey.
I'm going to talk about this in my WW meeting tomorrow. I don't really know what I expect from it but I'm hoping there are others that have gone through similar destructive behavior and can give advice or just be supportive.
Sigh. I should have started my post with great news but I'll end with it. I'm down 10 POUNDS since I started WW three weeks ago. I'm happy with the progress already but I do really want to do so much better with my habits than I am. My goal for the coming week is to work out 3 days.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
The Shame
Have you ever hidden food? It sounds really jacked up but I've done it for the past few years. I was talking to a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago sitting at our neighborhood pool and we started chatting about our weight issues. I talked to her about not knowing the reasons behind why I'm fat. I mean, I know it's because I eat junk. But, I don't know WHY I keep doing it. There has to be a reason I want to keep up this self-destructive behavior. Otherwise, I would have done something about it many years ago.
Anyhow, that led to a confession. It's something I've never said out loud and something I've been extremely ashamed of. And it's something that I never did until I got married. But, I hide food. From Shahed. And from Ammi when she was staying with us. I had never hidden the fact that I ate junk before. And from my discussion with my friend, I realized that I have an addiction and it's something that every woman in my family has. So, there was never any shame in eating poorly in front of those like my Mom and aunts and cousins. It wasn't until I was put in an environment where I would be judged and scolded for eating half a bag of Oreos in a sitting that I started hiding food. It's a terrible feeling and I hope I never go there again. I talked to Shahed about it recently and I think he was surprised by it. I don't know that I'm totally there yet, but I've vowed to stop hiding my self-destructive actions. It's going to be hard and I know I'll fall down but I know I can't lose if I can just be honest.
Anyhow, that led to a confession. It's something I've never said out loud and something I've been extremely ashamed of. And it's something that I never did until I got married. But, I hide food. From Shahed. And from Ammi when she was staying with us. I had never hidden the fact that I ate junk before. And from my discussion with my friend, I realized that I have an addiction and it's something that every woman in my family has. So, there was never any shame in eating poorly in front of those like my Mom and aunts and cousins. It wasn't until I was put in an environment where I would be judged and scolded for eating half a bag of Oreos in a sitting that I started hiding food. It's a terrible feeling and I hope I never go there again. I talked to Shahed about it recently and I think he was surprised by it. I don't know that I'm totally there yet, but I've vowed to stop hiding my self-destructive actions. It's going to be hard and I know I'll fall down but I know I can't lose if I can just be honest.
Bad week
This has been a bad week for me. For the first 9 days after joining WW online, I didn't really know what I was doing so I just sort of winged it and I was pleasantly surprised at my first weigh in at my 5 pound loss. But, I found myself sitting in that meeting still sort of trying to figure it all out. I really hate the idea of counting calories. And let's face it, that's basically what the points system is.
What sucked for me was that I know I have 36 points to eat in a day. I used a nice chunk of that on my breakfast everyday but then I found myself totally trying to skimp until dinner because I was scared I'd run out of points and go to bed hungry. Well, every single night, I've gone to bed with anywhere from 5-18 points unused. It's a stupid numbers game and a mind game and I hate it.
So, I think I'm going to ditch this whole points system and do the core plan. My only problem is that I think it's dumb that you can't have bread. I KNOW how to eat healthy and I know that bread isn't evil (unless it's Wonder Bread). And I know I didn't spend a ton of money on a grain mill, bread maker and 60 pound buckets of grains sitting in my garage to have a bread-free house. So, I'm doing the core plan to get out of counting points and I'm going to use my 35 weekly flex points to eat my freshly milled whole grain homemade bread.
What sucked for me was that I know I have 36 points to eat in a day. I used a nice chunk of that on my breakfast everyday but then I found myself totally trying to skimp until dinner because I was scared I'd run out of points and go to bed hungry. Well, every single night, I've gone to bed with anywhere from 5-18 points unused. It's a stupid numbers game and a mind game and I hate it.
So, I think I'm going to ditch this whole points system and do the core plan. My only problem is that I think it's dumb that you can't have bread. I KNOW how to eat healthy and I know that bread isn't evil (unless it's Wonder Bread). And I know I didn't spend a ton of money on a grain mill, bread maker and 60 pound buckets of grains sitting in my garage to have a bread-free house. So, I'm doing the core plan to get out of counting points and I'm going to use my 35 weekly flex points to eat my freshly milled whole grain homemade bread.
Two Hundred Twelve. That's what I weighed on July 24th when I finally decided to join Weight Watchers. This number, this whole weight issue, is one that I've been struggling with since I was a senior in high school. That's 16 years!! And that scares the crap out of me. I decided for the first time that I need to get this weight off. And so this is my journey. My goal is to be at 155 pounds by Christmas. And that's 155 days from the day I sat in this chair, punched my credit card number into my computer and joined Weight Watchers.
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