The Shame

Have you ever hidden food? It sounds really jacked up but I've done it for the past few years. I was talking to a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago sitting at our neighborhood pool and we started chatting about our weight issues. I talked to her about not knowing the reasons behind why I'm fat. I mean, I know it's because I eat junk. But, I don't know WHY I keep doing it. There has to be a reason I want to keep up this self-destructive behavior. Otherwise, I would have done something about it many years ago.

Anyhow, that led to a confession. It's something I've never said out loud and something I've been extremely ashamed of. And it's something that I never did until I got married. But, I hide food. From Shahed. And from Ammi when she was staying with us. I had never hidden the fact that I ate junk before. And from my discussion with my friend, I realized that I have an addiction and it's something that every woman in my family has. So, there was never any shame in eating poorly in front of those like my Mom and aunts and cousins. It wasn't until I was put in an environment where I would be judged and scolded for eating half a bag of Oreos in a sitting that I started hiding food. It's a terrible feeling and I hope I never go there again. I talked to Shahed about it recently and I think he was surprised by it. I don't know that I'm totally there yet, but I've vowed to stop hiding my self-destructive actions. It's going to be hard and I know I'll fall down but I know I can't lose if I can just be honest.